Well what is mind ? Before I even attempt to discuss what mind is, I would like to start to talk about my experience. Although never officially diagnosed, I can say I've been battling / hiding depression for a long time. The irony is I'm in a helping profession.
I've seen therapists over the years but briefly as I never felt understood. Bottom line is I feel lonely and inadequate. So, I fill my time feeling bored, worthless and wanting better. My thoughts are often a blur and I resort to cigarettes and binge drinking on weekends, further perpetuating depression from worry about the potential damage to my health.
The thing is I work, am a slim tall good looking man, but what is it that constantly brings me down? My mind I'm sure, but then I don't have really close friends or for that matter even friend I see much. Wonder why I have a smart phone if no one texts me. My mind can't just manufacture close friends.
I'm sick of feeling like this- heaviness in chest, feeling limited and insufficient.....2/17
6/2/17 -So I've recently heard about schemas. Its given me a perspective to something I've known about myself - that I'm down a lot of the time. I feel deficient, inadequate, sorry for myself, that I've done something wrong generaly or in relation to what I"ve said or done. I keep quiet to avoid saying th wrong thing. My thoughts are all over the place. I try to meditate. It helps sometimes but is short lived. I'm looking for a solution.
This sux. 6.45pm on a Friday and I'm alone in an apartment I rented for a week in Melbourne where I'm visiting. What am I doing here? I just want company. But I'm lying in bed wondering what to do. Right now I just feel life has no meaning. I know I will have a shower shortly and find a place to eat dinner in a pub. There I will probably sit and have dinner alone not talking to anyone and just feel lonely yet again. No one will be interested in talking to me. I just feel like another cigarette.
ReplyDelete9.43 pm Just done with some takeaway. Felt gutless to walk into a busy Friday night pub for a meal. So, I'm here again with that familiar loneliness. I'm tired. I smoke too much. I just don't feel loved or needed or wanted. So all this is in my mind right?? So why the fuck is my mind killing me????
ReplyDeleteSo I woke up this morning and I hesitated slightly before going ahead with a running group. It was a nice bunch. I enjoyed the run, chat and social breakfast. I got home ok but as I walked in felt a heaviness in my chest, and a smoke. While smoking realised I feel an emptiness coming to an empty home. Just me here. Leaving company to come to an empty home. I felt alone again. Today I want insight. I just want to know myself intimately. See me,hear me and feel me. Hopefully I can understand myself in this journey.
ReplyDeleteSo my mind is now under the influence of two drinks.....or...was that my brain??
ReplyDeleteI went to a group session run by a psych today and identified a few values - connection, acceptance... After leaving i was a little more observant of crowds Melbourne.
Well so I needed a smoke. Have no understanding oh that need now in a pub, not so busy being a Sunday night. People around bit don't feel a need to talk to them. About to have my third drink.
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